a helpful guide

so i asked ruth to post a few hints to avoid seeming like a wanker to your friendly neighbourhood bartender, and she obliged with gusto. i didn't really think much of it other than 'yay, guess i'm not as big of a bar-wanker is i thought i could be'. i didn't feel like i had much to add, not being a professional and all.

that was until i realised i was a professional. professional drinker & cynic*, that is.

and who else wouldn't we mind thinking 'hey, they're not wankers at all!' about us in a pub or bar? your fellow drinkers, that's who! so, here's a little guide from me as to how, in the breif minutes to might share bar-space with me and others, to kind of seem half-cool.

• just because it's obscure, doesn't mean it's awesome. you know those people who only ever listen to music by bands that no-one has ever heard of? similarly, ordering a 'rabid nun with a twist' and then having to fill the bar staff in as to how it is made just makes me think you're a wanker and, if this shit is happening while i'm waiting to be served behind you.... blargh.
• sure, there are cooler drinks and less cool drinks, but there is nothing less cool than drinking something you don't like because you think it's fashionable. i'd prefer to see you looking neatly satisfied by a bourbon and coke than watching you painfully down a dry martini over the course of an hour. but, martinis are clearly super-cool.
  
• shots are a fun & fast way to drunksville. that said, they don't need to be a big deal. if there's a bunch of you at the bar and it's 'omg shots guys! SHOTS GUYS! we're doing shots!' and then 'oh yeah! wooo! SHOTS!', i hate you. it's unlikely i'll roll you out of your own vomit when i find you passed out in the bathroom later. unless i have to roll you over to get access to your wallet.
  
• collars down, boys.

*i'm qualified to say this shit, people! i have quaffed remy martin louis xiii cognac AND thrown up an entire noodle box into a friends sink (two seperate drinking events). every end of the drinking spectrum = covered.