skillz

every time i go to grab a beer from the fridge i am reminded of two points of interest.

#1: thank you wankers for making it 'botique' to not use a twist-top. perhaps there's some other bar-tendery reason for this. guess what. not interested.

#2: you guessed it, since moving i have no bottle opener.





me: 'oh great fortress of brown glass! grant me access to the beer-y treasure you contain within!'

beer: 'show us ya bottle opener then'

me: 'i have quested long and hard for your brewed pleasures! accross great plains and barren deserts...'

beer: 'you still haven't got a bottle opener, have you, fucko? nice work champ. you've only had, what, three months? you don't deserve my 'beer-y treasure'. fucking pansy'

me: 'seriously. don't talk back to me, beer. i'm a person, and you're a freaking inanimate... beer! i totally could break your face.'

beer: 'but you wouldn't waste the beer. softcock'

me: 'what did you just say?'

beer: 'nothing. *cough*SOFTCOCK*cough*'

me: 'oh. now it's fucking on.'



WWRDAAMD*?



i tell you what he'd do. he'd take a paperclip, false nail a copy of new weekly and have that beer open in like two seconds. and you know what? the new weekly would only be used for reading material while he was drinking. he's that kind of guy. for the last month or so, i have been taking regular household objects and using them to open beers. my list so far includes:

* clothes iron

* 2nd bottle of beer

* rubber thong (foot-style)

* extension cord

* copy of dean koontz' 'the husband'

* tin of milo








*what would richard dean anderson as macgyver do